Earthbound

Could Arkansas ever play in the national championship game? When pigs fly. After a flashy start, these Hogs remained pedestrians, pushed back into the mire by a Honey Badger named Tyrann Mathieu and his geaux-geaux Acadians in Baton Rouge.

This leaves the door open for one-loss teams Stanford and Virginia Tech to sneak in, assuming Oklahoma can vanquish Oklahoma State next week.

We were 3 and 2 last week, but nevertheless lost 300 from our goodwill bundle because, for the first time this year, our lock of the week let us down. The setback brings our year-to-date total to plus 10,790. For entertainment purposes only, we will double down on rivalry Saturday. You know, throw out the record books when these teams tangle.

Let’s put 2,000 BCS computers each on:

Michigan -7 ½ over Ohio State (Wolverines’ Denard Robinson dots the “i” for Buckeyes’ band)

Auburn +21 over Alabama (War Eagles, Plainsmen, Tigers – pick a nickname – will stun Tide. Michael Dyer outrushes Heisman hopeful Trent Richardson)

Illinois -11 over Minnesota (Just because the Golden Gophers stink)

Baylor -13 over Texas Tech (The Bears boast our vote for the Heisman – RG III)

Lock of the Week – Over/Under

Iowa State vs. Oklahoma over 60 (Sooners’ secondary exposed by aforementioned Griffin last week. Expect beaucoups points)

Agents of KAOS

Like the Republican presidential clown show, the BCS scrum has become a race to the bottom. Only Maxwell Smart and 99 can outwit this sharp-as-tacks crowd. Last night, the Cowboys, nee Aggies, of Stillwater were exposed as the latest pretender, much to the chagrin of our beloved Sooners, who were looking to knock off an undefeated Oklahoma State two weeks hence and insinuate themselves back into the championship picture.

Our pre-season pick of OU and Arkansas in the national championship game, though still possible, looks unlikely. Both will have to win out and Oregon must stumble. Alabama, though, will probably remain the highest-ranked one-loss team, and LSU with its wins against Alabama, Oregon and West Virginia, could be in the picture as well, even if it loses next week to Arkansas, who we expect to fall tonight to Mississippi State in Little Rock.

We stumbled last week, going two of five, losing 300 poll points to bring our straw vote to plus 11,090 on the year. But, hey, we're a leader not a reader. And our work as a historian has profited us handsomely so far. Our latest client is a little weak on his colonial period, so we've got to get to work and leave you with these Tiffany's gifts. For entertainment purposes only, let's put 1,000 Freddie Macs each on the following and 2,000 on our lock of the week.

Mississippi State +13 over Arkansas (Hogs have fed too much at the trough of luck. Bulldogs' Chris Relf leads team to upset)

Houston -20.5 over Southern Methodist (Casey Keenum leads Cougars. Alas, Houston will be the only undefeated team not making it to the championship)

Southern California +14 ½ over Oregon (Trojans have enough horses to keep it close)

Kansas State +8 over Texas (How can the Longhorns be the favorite after scoring just a safety and a field goal against Missouri last week?)

Lock of the Week – Over/Under
Wisconsin vs. Illinois over 51(Both teams can score, though the Illini have been anemic of late. Badgers prevail late on a Russell Wilson TD toss)

What Rough Beast

It is often remarked that there is no fool like an old fool. We should know.

But rarely does the foolishness descend to a circle of hell not limned by “il Sommo Poeta.” It is a special place for the old man who stays too long at the fair, blinded enough by his specialness to tell the bosses they don’t need to spend another second discussing his future because he’s quitting their vale of tears after a few more slack-jawed, back-bent shuffles to the Penn State sidelines.

Bad form, old sport. Check your glasses. Grandiosity little becomes you now.

Greater pens than ours have opined on the scandal (the very word seems inadequate) unfolding in State College, Pa., like Yeats’ beast slouching toward Bethlehem. We can add no more to the chorus of obvious revulsion, so we’ll leave it at this; the ugly critter is slouching still. There is much more to come in this unpretty spectacle of men too old and too cocooned by enabling fans and hagiographers to man up.

For entertainment purposes only, our picks follow. Last week we were perfect, going five for five and adding 6,000 units, bringing our year-to-date bounty to plus 11,390.

We will put 1,000 units on these four contests and 2,000 on our lock of the week.

Spread:

Stanford -3 ½ over Oregon (The Trees’ defense is the star of this one)

Wisconsin -27 ½ over Minnesota (The behemoths manning the Badger line will maul the Gophers)

UCLA +7 over Utah (UCLANS will win the Pac-12 south)

Tennessee +14 ½ over Arkansas (Volunteers hung tough against 'Bama for a half)

Over/Under Lock of the Week:

Texas A&M vs. Kansas State over 65 (Aggies can't stop anybody, but will score 35 themselves in the first half)

You're Looking Live at the 21st Century

It's game of the century time. Numbers one and two vie for what looks like a ticket to the BCS championship game. We attended the 20th century version of this dust-up in 1971, when the late Jack Mildren heaved the number-two Sooners on his crimson shoulders, only to be outdone by the number-one Huskers' Johnny Rodgers (an armed robber who got away with another crime – a punt return TD aided by an uncalled clip).

Oh well, it's just a game. Sure, and Scarlett Johansson is just a woman. If the LSU-Alabama game follows the script of its predecessor, LSU gets the win on the road.

After a rousing win of 1,800 leatherheads last week (to bring our college total to 5,390), we venture, for entertainment purposes only, 1,000 face masks each on:

University of Southern California -20 over Colorado (the woeful Buffaloes have yet to win a Pac-10 game)

Louisiana State +5 over Alabama (Thuggish Bayou brawlers force McCarron to pass and pick off three of them. It's ebb Tide)

Stanford -21 over Oregon State (The Trees keep standing tall. Beavers can't gnaw these Redwoods down. Luck has everything to do with a perfect record vs. spread – the QB and the Lady.)

Wisconsin -26 over Purdue (Boilermakers may trot out the Purdue Golden Girl to distract Bucky Badger, but it won't work)


Lock of the Week (2,000 chinstraps):
Over/Under

South Carolina vs. Arkansas over 52 (Gamecocks get feisty against Razorbacks' defensive sieve. Final score Arkansas 35, South Carolina 21).

Alas, we will miss the LSU-Alabama game as we will be ensconced at Reynolds-Razorback Stadium to watch the live action. We'll be the fellow with the hog hat on snout-backwards.