With more than a month and a half of 2012 under our belt and the fate of the Western world teetering in the balance, we make these fearless prognostications for the remainder of this anno domini.
Gasoline goes to $5 a gallon and Barack Obama is re-elected anyway. The Republican field is so unpalatable that even Rick Santorum may be a tastier dish than Mitt Romney, which is to say unelectable. The argument has shifted from the Obama defense that the economy “would have been worse” if its life jackets hadn't been distributed to the Republican pout that “it would have been even better” if, for instance, Motown had not been bailed out. Either conceit is a dog that won't hunt.
The world will remain asynchronous. The United States took its lumps and is now pulling out of it. It's Europe's turn now to pay the piper for fecklessness. The Old World will pull out of it, too. By the end of 2012, U.S. consumption growth will be the engine that gets the euro zone and its environs back on the growth path. Buy France Telecom (FTE) for the lush dividend.
Uranium stocks will double as nuclear power gains currency. Buy Denison Mines (DNN) and Cameco (CCJ).
The Southeastern Conference will not have a representative in the BCS championship game. Call us a conspiracy theorist, but the other conferences are so sick with envy of the riches the SEC keeps piling up that they'll rig the computers.
The St. Louis ball club will repeat as World Series champions without Albert Pujols, who will hit .260 for the Anaheim ball club.
Speaking of St. Louis, the University thereof will be the surprise team in the NCAA basketball tournament. The Billikens are quietly 21-5. Pick them to get to the sweet 16 when the office bracket sheets are distributed.
Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine will bow to umpires when presenting lineup cards and curse them only in Japanese, thus avoiding ejection the entire season.
Apple and Nike will announce a joint venture to market smart-phone swoosh logos that athletes can use to tweet with while competing on the field, court or golf course.
The next sports scandal will be a gambling fraud at the next Super Bowl. The National Anthem singer will string out the song beyond the over/under prop bet time at the behest of organized crime. Hey, who would have thought a safety would be the first score of this year's game?
We will break 100 more than once this year and our lost sand wedge will be returned.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Requiem for a Sand Wedge
Accepting that you’ll never be happy again yields a certain happiness, just as knowing that one’s favorite sand wedge, forgotten on a green in the shadow of War Memorial Stadium, will remain forever in the bag of a scoundrel who found the forlorn stick and kept it for himself. Your short game will never be quite the same, but there is satisfaction in believing that whatever metaphysical power guides the universe will invest the wayward wedge with the power to poison the gentleman’s game from here to eternity.
Oh, it was a cheap thing – a bargain close-out inscribed with the name of the “wee ice man,” the man who believed as we do that putting is not golf. The American League employs the designated hitter, so why not a designated putter for those of us challenged by this feminine activity? Our choice would be Paula Creamer. We’d even let her use the pink ball she favors.
Cheap or not, it filled us with confidence when we heard the magical click of club head striking the cover of our Titleist, sending it like an exploding kernel of popcorn to a designated area near the cup, the face of the shiny wand smudged with a new fleck of candy red from the identifying inscription applied by a Sharpie to the ball.
We miss it so. There is a permanent longing to regain it, an ache so sharp yet so sweet, that, as we said, it begets a wistful nostalgia, an ennobling emotion, filled with the grandiosity of self that we gain only by losing – in this case a bloodied scepter now serving another master.
This sporting life affords us few opportunities for this peculiar satisfaction, so we savor it more than the well-struck tee shot delivered by a brutish driver. No, it is a finer thing than that, this world we have lost, always on the horizon, forever out of reach but glimmering with the promise that it can be regained. Now, if we can only enlist Ms. Creamer to pinch putt for us.
*******************
Our tattered flag is still waving after taking a beating, for entertainment purposes only. Let’s put 5,000 destroyers on Navy -7 over Army today to wrap up the college football season. Bowl picks to come.
Oh, it was a cheap thing – a bargain close-out inscribed with the name of the “wee ice man,” the man who believed as we do that putting is not golf. The American League employs the designated hitter, so why not a designated putter for those of us challenged by this feminine activity? Our choice would be Paula Creamer. We’d even let her use the pink ball she favors.
Cheap or not, it filled us with confidence when we heard the magical click of club head striking the cover of our Titleist, sending it like an exploding kernel of popcorn to a designated area near the cup, the face of the shiny wand smudged with a new fleck of candy red from the identifying inscription applied by a Sharpie to the ball.
We miss it so. There is a permanent longing to regain it, an ache so sharp yet so sweet, that, as we said, it begets a wistful nostalgia, an ennobling emotion, filled with the grandiosity of self that we gain only by losing – in this case a bloodied scepter now serving another master.
This sporting life affords us few opportunities for this peculiar satisfaction, so we savor it more than the well-struck tee shot delivered by a brutish driver. No, it is a finer thing than that, this world we have lost, always on the horizon, forever out of reach but glimmering with the promise that it can be regained. Now, if we can only enlist Ms. Creamer to pinch putt for us.
*******************
Our tattered flag is still waving after taking a beating, for entertainment purposes only. Let’s put 5,000 destroyers on Navy -7 over Army today to wrap up the college football season. Bowl picks to come.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Earthbound
Could Arkansas ever play in the national championship game? When pigs fly. After a flashy start, these Hogs remained pedestrians, pushed back into the mire by a Honey Badger named Tyrann Mathieu and his geaux-geaux Acadians in Baton Rouge.
This leaves the door open for one-loss teams Stanford and Virginia Tech to sneak in, assuming Oklahoma can vanquish Oklahoma State next week.
We were 3 and 2 last week, but nevertheless lost 300 from our goodwill bundle because, for the first time this year, our lock of the week let us down. The setback brings our year-to-date total to plus 10,790. For entertainment purposes only, we will double down on rivalry Saturday. You know, throw out the record books when these teams tangle.
Let’s put 2,000 BCS computers each on:
Michigan -7 ½ over Ohio State (Wolverines’ Denard Robinson dots the “i” for Buckeyes’ band)
Auburn +21 over Alabama (War Eagles, Plainsmen, Tigers – pick a nickname – will stun Tide. Michael Dyer outrushes Heisman hopeful Trent Richardson)
Illinois -11 over Minnesota (Just because the Golden Gophers stink)
Baylor -13 over Texas Tech (The Bears boast our vote for the Heisman – RG III)
Lock of the Week – Over/Under
Iowa State vs. Oklahoma over 60 (Sooners’ secondary exposed by aforementioned Griffin last week. Expect beaucoups points)
This leaves the door open for one-loss teams Stanford and Virginia Tech to sneak in, assuming Oklahoma can vanquish Oklahoma State next week.
We were 3 and 2 last week, but nevertheless lost 300 from our goodwill bundle because, for the first time this year, our lock of the week let us down. The setback brings our year-to-date total to plus 10,790. For entertainment purposes only, we will double down on rivalry Saturday. You know, throw out the record books when these teams tangle.
Let’s put 2,000 BCS computers each on:
Michigan -7 ½ over Ohio State (Wolverines’ Denard Robinson dots the “i” for Buckeyes’ band)
Auburn +21 over Alabama (War Eagles, Plainsmen, Tigers – pick a nickname – will stun Tide. Michael Dyer outrushes Heisman hopeful Trent Richardson)
Illinois -11 over Minnesota (Just because the Golden Gophers stink)
Baylor -13 over Texas Tech (The Bears boast our vote for the Heisman – RG III)
Lock of the Week – Over/Under
Iowa State vs. Oklahoma over 60 (Sooners’ secondary exposed by aforementioned Griffin last week. Expect beaucoups points)
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Agents of KAOS
Like the Republican presidential clown show, the BCS scrum has become a race to the bottom. Only Maxwell Smart and 99 can outwit this sharp-as-tacks crowd. Last night, the Cowboys, nee Aggies, of Stillwater were exposed as the latest pretender, much to the chagrin of our beloved Sooners, who were looking to knock off an undefeated Oklahoma State two weeks hence and insinuate themselves back into the championship picture.
Our pre-season pick of OU and Arkansas in the national championship game, though still possible, looks unlikely. Both will have to win out and Oregon must stumble. Alabama, though, will probably remain the highest-ranked one-loss team, and LSU with its wins against Alabama, Oregon and West Virginia, could be in the picture as well, even if it loses next week to Arkansas, who we expect to fall tonight to Mississippi State in Little Rock.
We stumbled last week, going two of five, losing 300 poll points to bring our straw vote to plus 11,090 on the year. But, hey, we're a leader not a reader. And our work as a historian has profited us handsomely so far. Our latest client is a little weak on his colonial period, so we've got to get to work and leave you with these Tiffany's gifts. For entertainment purposes only, let's put 1,000 Freddie Macs each on the following and 2,000 on our lock of the week.
Mississippi State +13 over Arkansas (Hogs have fed too much at the trough of luck. Bulldogs' Chris Relf leads team to upset)
Houston -20.5 over Southern Methodist (Casey Keenum leads Cougars. Alas, Houston will be the only undefeated team not making it to the championship)
Southern California +14 ½ over Oregon (Trojans have enough horses to keep it close)
Kansas State +8 over Texas (How can the Longhorns be the favorite after scoring just a safety and a field goal against Missouri last week?)
Lock of the Week – Over/Under
Wisconsin vs. Illinois over 51(Both teams can score, though the Illini have been anemic of late. Badgers prevail late on a Russell Wilson TD toss)
Our pre-season pick of OU and Arkansas in the national championship game, though still possible, looks unlikely. Both will have to win out and Oregon must stumble. Alabama, though, will probably remain the highest-ranked one-loss team, and LSU with its wins against Alabama, Oregon and West Virginia, could be in the picture as well, even if it loses next week to Arkansas, who we expect to fall tonight to Mississippi State in Little Rock.
We stumbled last week, going two of five, losing 300 poll points to bring our straw vote to plus 11,090 on the year. But, hey, we're a leader not a reader. And our work as a historian has profited us handsomely so far. Our latest client is a little weak on his colonial period, so we've got to get to work and leave you with these Tiffany's gifts. For entertainment purposes only, let's put 1,000 Freddie Macs each on the following and 2,000 on our lock of the week.
Mississippi State +13 over Arkansas (Hogs have fed too much at the trough of luck. Bulldogs' Chris Relf leads team to upset)
Houston -20.5 over Southern Methodist (Casey Keenum leads Cougars. Alas, Houston will be the only undefeated team not making it to the championship)
Southern California +14 ½ over Oregon (Trojans have enough horses to keep it close)
Kansas State +8 over Texas (How can the Longhorns be the favorite after scoring just a safety and a field goal against Missouri last week?)
Lock of the Week – Over/Under
Wisconsin vs. Illinois over 51(Both teams can score, though the Illini have been anemic of late. Badgers prevail late on a Russell Wilson TD toss)
Saturday, November 12, 2011
What Rough Beast
It is often remarked that there is no fool like an old fool. We should know.
But rarely does the foolishness descend to a circle of hell not limned by “il Sommo Poeta.” It is a special place for the old man who stays too long at the fair, blinded enough by his specialness to tell the bosses they don’t need to spend another second discussing his future because he’s quitting their vale of tears after a few more slack-jawed, back-bent shuffles to the Penn State sidelines.
Bad form, old sport. Check your glasses. Grandiosity little becomes you now.
Greater pens than ours have opined on the scandal (the very word seems inadequate) unfolding in State College, Pa., like Yeats’ beast slouching toward Bethlehem. We can add no more to the chorus of obvious revulsion, so we’ll leave it at this; the ugly critter is slouching still. There is much more to come in this unpretty spectacle of men too old and too cocooned by enabling fans and hagiographers to man up.
For entertainment purposes only, our picks follow. Last week we were perfect, going five for five and adding 6,000 units, bringing our year-to-date bounty to plus 11,390.
We will put 1,000 units on these four contests and 2,000 on our lock of the week.
Spread:
Stanford -3 ½ over Oregon (The Trees’ defense is the star of this one)
Wisconsin -27 ½ over Minnesota (The behemoths manning the Badger line will maul the Gophers)
UCLA +7 over Utah (UCLANS will win the Pac-12 south)
Tennessee +14 ½ over Arkansas (Volunteers hung tough against 'Bama for a half)
Over/Under Lock of the Week:
Texas A&M vs. Kansas State over 65 (Aggies can't stop anybody, but will score 35 themselves in the first half)
But rarely does the foolishness descend to a circle of hell not limned by “il Sommo Poeta.” It is a special place for the old man who stays too long at the fair, blinded enough by his specialness to tell the bosses they don’t need to spend another second discussing his future because he’s quitting their vale of tears after a few more slack-jawed, back-bent shuffles to the Penn State sidelines.
Bad form, old sport. Check your glasses. Grandiosity little becomes you now.
Greater pens than ours have opined on the scandal (the very word seems inadequate) unfolding in State College, Pa., like Yeats’ beast slouching toward Bethlehem. We can add no more to the chorus of obvious revulsion, so we’ll leave it at this; the ugly critter is slouching still. There is much more to come in this unpretty spectacle of men too old and too cocooned by enabling fans and hagiographers to man up.
For entertainment purposes only, our picks follow. Last week we were perfect, going five for five and adding 6,000 units, bringing our year-to-date bounty to plus 11,390.
We will put 1,000 units on these four contests and 2,000 on our lock of the week.
Spread:
Stanford -3 ½ over Oregon (The Trees’ defense is the star of this one)
Wisconsin -27 ½ over Minnesota (The behemoths manning the Badger line will maul the Gophers)
UCLA +7 over Utah (UCLANS will win the Pac-12 south)
Tennessee +14 ½ over Arkansas (Volunteers hung tough against 'Bama for a half)
Over/Under Lock of the Week:
Texas A&M vs. Kansas State over 65 (Aggies can't stop anybody, but will score 35 themselves in the first half)
Friday, November 4, 2011
You're Looking Live at the 21st Century
It's game of the century time. Numbers one and two vie for what looks like a ticket to the BCS championship game. We attended the 20th century version of this dust-up in 1971, when the late Jack Mildren heaved the number-two Sooners on his crimson shoulders, only to be outdone by the number-one Huskers' Johnny Rodgers (an armed robber who got away with another crime – a punt return TD aided by an uncalled clip).
Oh well, it's just a game. Sure, and Scarlett Johansson is just a woman. If the LSU-Alabama game follows the script of its predecessor, LSU gets the win on the road.
After a rousing win of 1,800 leatherheads last week (to bring our college total to 5,390), we venture, for entertainment purposes only, 1,000 face masks each on:
University of Southern California -20 over Colorado (the woeful Buffaloes have yet to win a Pac-10 game)
Louisiana State +5 over Alabama (Thuggish Bayou brawlers force McCarron to pass and pick off three of them. It's ebb Tide)
Stanford -21 over Oregon State (The Trees keep standing tall. Beavers can't gnaw these Redwoods down. Luck has everything to do with a perfect record vs. spread – the QB and the Lady.)
Wisconsin -26 over Purdue (Boilermakers may trot out the Purdue Golden Girl to distract Bucky Badger, but it won't work)
Lock of the Week (2,000 chinstraps):
Over/Under
South Carolina vs. Arkansas over 52 (Gamecocks get feisty against Razorbacks' defensive sieve. Final score Arkansas 35, South Carolina 21).
Alas, we will miss the LSU-Alabama game as we will be ensconced at Reynolds-Razorback Stadium to watch the live action. We'll be the fellow with the hog hat on snout-backwards.
Oh well, it's just a game. Sure, and Scarlett Johansson is just a woman. If the LSU-Alabama game follows the script of its predecessor, LSU gets the win on the road.
After a rousing win of 1,800 leatherheads last week (to bring our college total to 5,390), we venture, for entertainment purposes only, 1,000 face masks each on:
University of Southern California -20 over Colorado (the woeful Buffaloes have yet to win a Pac-10 game)
Louisiana State +5 over Alabama (Thuggish Bayou brawlers force McCarron to pass and pick off three of them. It's ebb Tide)
Stanford -21 over Oregon State (The Trees keep standing tall. Beavers can't gnaw these Redwoods down. Luck has everything to do with a perfect record vs. spread – the QB and the Lady.)
Wisconsin -26 over Purdue (Boilermakers may trot out the Purdue Golden Girl to distract Bucky Badger, but it won't work)
Lock of the Week (2,000 chinstraps):
Over/Under
South Carolina vs. Arkansas over 52 (Gamecocks get feisty against Razorbacks' defensive sieve. Final score Arkansas 35, South Carolina 21).
Alas, we will miss the LSU-Alabama game as we will be ensconced at Reynolds-Razorback Stadium to watch the live action. We'll be the fellow with the hog hat on snout-backwards.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
It's Gone to Our Head
It's been a banner week for the Pontiff of Picks. Saturdays have become a Holy Day of Obligation for those wishing to save their immoral, er immortal, souls. We stored up treasures in heaven worth 1,950 cherubim in our last outing, bringing our season-to-date total to plus 3,590, for enertainment purposes only.
Herewith are our pre-Halloween choices. Don't be scared, but we are doubling down this Saturday. If we fail, remember us on All-Saints Day.
Let's put 1,000 supplications each on:
Stanford -7 1/2 over USC (The Trees are perfect against the spread so far)
Northwestern -9 over Indiana (Hapless Hoosiers will be "Persa"cuted by Purple pumas)
Fordham +30 over Army (The Rams will recall Lombardi and the seven blocks of granite as the officers-to-be will lose the ball six times in the rain and snow expected on the Hudson)
Navy +21 1/2 over Notre Dame (The PT 73 runs circles around punchless Binghamtons of South Bend)
And 2,000 on our Lock of the Week:
Over/Under
Arkansas vs. Vanderbilt over 51 1/2 (Vandy routed Mississippi and will score 24 against porous pigs; predicted final Arkansas wins 35-24).
One last note, our World Series pick came to fruition. Recall, we went with St. Louis at 15 to 1 before the playoffs, netting 1,500 horsehides and closing our baseball season at plus 3,900.
Herewith are our pre-Halloween choices. Don't be scared, but we are doubling down this Saturday. If we fail, remember us on All-Saints Day.
Let's put 1,000 supplications each on:
Stanford -7 1/2 over USC (The Trees are perfect against the spread so far)
Northwestern -9 over Indiana (Hapless Hoosiers will be "Persa"cuted by Purple pumas)
Fordham +30 over Army (The Rams will recall Lombardi and the seven blocks of granite as the officers-to-be will lose the ball six times in the rain and snow expected on the Hudson)
Navy +21 1/2 over Notre Dame (The PT 73 runs circles around punchless Binghamtons of South Bend)
And 2,000 on our Lock of the Week:
Over/Under
Arkansas vs. Vanderbilt over 51 1/2 (Vandy routed Mississippi and will score 24 against porous pigs; predicted final Arkansas wins 35-24).
One last note, our World Series pick came to fruition. Recall, we went with St. Louis at 15 to 1 before the playoffs, netting 1,500 horsehides and closing our baseball season at plus 3,900.
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